i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
