i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
