I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
