She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
