I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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