recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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