Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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