I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
