Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
