At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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