I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
