he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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