is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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