i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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