...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
