We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
