now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
