A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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