i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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