I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
