i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
