I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
