We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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