we have pet lesbian snakes
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
