I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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