Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
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He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
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Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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