I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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