I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
