just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
This baby is an asshole
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
