the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
