I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
This toilet bowl is my home.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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