Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
