My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
