So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
