we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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