My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
