hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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