How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
