I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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