I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
