I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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