Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
