I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
