My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
