I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
