You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
