So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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