I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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