I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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