WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
