i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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