So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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