He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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