I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
