Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
