Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
