Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
