i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
