I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
