Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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