tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
